As I scanned the prices & brands for my favorite shade of eyeliner something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. A mother lifting her two little girls up & out of their buggy in front of an impressive display of nail polish.
I listened as she told them they could choose any color they liked as long as it came from the bottom shelf. They oohed & aahed while eagerly pointing out their favorites & looking to their mother for confirmation of the nail polish’s beauty.
My own shopping list was forgotten as I watched them climb back into the cart. My eyes began to fill with emotion as I heard their happy chatter round the corner to the next aisle. I quickly blinked back my hopes, dreams, & desires of motherhood as I rushed to complete my shopping trip before it began to rain again.
By the time I reached my car I had bumped into them 2 more times in the grocery store & my mind was distracted by their happiness & my heart was longing for little ones of my own. I naturally began to wonder when my own day will come & then the question that’s been bothering me recently reappeared in the pit of my stomach.
Am I brave enough to be pregnant?
My husband is often reminding me, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” But neither my husband nor Winnie the Pooh has ever pushed a human out of his body.
There are many things that I fear about pregnancy, the most superficial being that I will look like a snowman when I get pregnant. Because knowing my body, this will happen to me. I will be huge. I will be ginormous. And I am very self conscious. Will I sink into depression? Will I have the confidence to step out of the house? Will my troublesome back & feet be able to handle all the extra weight?
My second fear is doing something wrong that could harm my unborn child. I might be a non-smoker, non-alcoholic, vegetarian, but there are still a lot of things that I could eat or do that I shouldn’t. I plan on doing a lot of research when the day comes, but that just leads me to another problem.
I have a tendency to be a hypochondriac. I don’t think I need to dwell on how that’s going to be a problem. I have a fear of fear. Feel free to laugh at the irony.
Fourthly, what if I can’t get pregnant or if I lose our baby. How will I handle the emotions? Will my husband understand? Will I need to be strong for both of us?
Finally, (& here comes a whole lot of honesty) giving birth is my number 1 fear in life.
Yes, I am more afraid of giving birth than I am of death or dying.
I firmly believe that every women who gives birth deserves some sort of medal. They are pushing a living, moving, human being out of their body. And while I know it is the most beautiful & natural thing, my first instinct is to close my legs & keep from saying “gross” too loudly.
Sometimes I wish I was a seahorse.
I know I must sound like a child, but again, that’s why I fear I might not be brave enough for pregnancy.
And while I would love to end with some words of wisdom & share how some life lesson is teaching me to be less afraid & more brave, that is just not the case.
All I can do is hope & pray that when the day comes God will give me the courage I need to be brave in pregnancy.
With love, G
The Lord Himself goes before you & will be with you;
He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Do not be afraid;
Do not be discouraged.
More Confessions from Domestically Blissful