A faith confession for those praying for a baby this new year. And a challenge for myself & to you.
A little over an hour before midnight on New Year’s Eve I found myself in tears, staring up at the cold sky, feeling like I had failed.
It all started after I posted my last photo on Instagram of 2017.
I’m not sure if I had eaten too much or what, but someone commented “Pregnant???”
I know they honestly meant well & were wishing the best for me, but as that single word question sank into my heart the tears began to rise.
And I immediately felt failure.
I realized I couldn’t let anyone see me like that without making the tears worse. So as the heat rose in my cheeks I escaped to the darkness outside.
I thought the cool 19 degrees would drive me back inside, but I couldn’t stop staring at the 3 twinkling stars above me as I silently stood worrying & questioning the wintery night sky as the last few minutes of 2017 ticked by.
What if 2018 goes by & I fail again?
Fail to choose love over hate, to choose God over self, to reproduce. What if another year goes by & I have nothing to show for it?
Traveling, building our dream house, growing my business, it’s all grasping at the wind. None of them are evil or wrong. But I desire more. To be more. To give more. I desire something eternal.
And I fear the failures, temptations, & sorrows are already following me into the new year.
After a surprising number of minutes, I began to feel the chill of reality reach me.
I prayed for strength & for the future before rejoining my family indoors.
Later that night, as I lay silently crying into my warm soft blankets while trying not to disturb my sleepy husband I began to hyperventilate. I knew I needed to calm down. I knew I needed to pray.
But I didn’t want to pray for myself. I was determined to find something or someone else to pray for that involved my pregnancy thoughts.
So I chose 5 people to pray for this year whenever I began to feel myself slip into childless depression. Three women & two men.
The first woman I began to pray for is the woman who will give birth to our adoptive child. I’ve been praying for her off & on for a little while now, but as time draws nearer to my 29 & 1/2 birthday (which is when we can begin the adoption process for China) I need to pray more. More for her strength, her livelihood, her hope, & her peace.
As my mind began to wander between prayer & thoughts of her I realized that I have never prayed for the biological father of our future child. Whether he will know or never know his part in bringing us the greatest gift of joy I know he needs my prayers too.
My next two prayer choices were for women I know who are struggling. One a childhood friend who is dealing with infertility. The second is a friend I haven’t spoken to in a few years who has a son but miscarried their daughter last year.
And finally, I have chosen to pray more deeply & intensely for the father my husband will become. Whether our first child is biological or adopted I know my husband will love them & care for them beyond my wildest dreams.
I know I am not alone in my struggles. And I want you to know that you are not alone either.
I would love to add to my list of 5. If you have a similar struggle (or anything at all you desire prayer for) please feel free to message me anytime. I am going to create a prayer list that I will always keep with me so whenever I receive a new message, feel the desperate need to pray, or feel like I am slipping into myself I will go to this list & pray for them & for you!
My New Year’s challenge for myself & to you is to pray. Pray more purposefully, intensely, & with the hope, trust, & belief in God’s work & fulfillment in our lives.
How can I pray for you?
I’d love to hear from you!
Feel free to comment below, email me, or tweet me on Twitter.
With love, Giustina
all you who hope in the Lord.
Psalm 31:24 NIV
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