A little confession about my fears of moving home.
Today is a major confession day.
I love Chattanooga. I grew up in Tennessee, mostly in Chattanooga, and I have been dreaming of moving home ever since we were married June 24, 2012 and headed to Birmingham to begin 4 long years of dental school.
And while I am excited about moving home, putting down roots, and hopefully growing our family in the next few years, I am also really nervous, worried, and uncertain of how life will play out in our hometown.
While I am still me, I am a very different person than the naive newly married 21 year old who left Chattanooga 4 years ago. During that time we visited both of our families in southeast Tennessee a lot, almost every other weekend. And while this sounds like a lot I worry those little glimpses, a few hours here and a vacation there, might not have been enough for people to have seen how I have changed and that some might expect the same things out of me when we return.
On a very superficial level that includes the perception that I desire to decorate our new home shabby chic (which is lovely, but no longer my style), which a lovely soul recently mentioned to me in passing.
A little deeper and you will find that I am more reserved, quieter, and a little more corny and awkward. While it has always taken time for me to warm up to people enough to feel comfortable sharing my crazy side, without being too heavily judged (which has led people to tell me later in our friendships that they thought I was a snob until they got to know me and realized I was shy around people I didn’t know very well), I worry people won’t understand how introverted I really have become over the last 4 years.
Roger says I am a chameleon. I like to blend in with the environment around me.
This is both good and bad.
On the one side it was relatively easy for me to transition into being a homebody, when I started blogging. I am perfectly comfortable spending the day working by myself (although sometimes I let Miranda Lambert, Adele, and Taylor Swift join me) and I have no problem spending an entire week never leaving our small townhouse simply plugging along on my blog.
And while this particular chameleon like habit has seeped down into my inner core and become a part of who I am, I also have no problem being around lots of people. This is where I begin to worry about the bad effects of being a chameleon.
Because I am a chameleon it has been easy to just “be” during those brief hours with family and friends back home.
However, for the last 4 years Roger and I have been in our own little bubble. Away from the drama, gossip, peer pressure, comparisons, and “the Jones” reality of a small town where everyone knows everybody. Four years is quite a bit of time, but I wonder if it was enough to make me strong enough to resist those ugly things that honestly tempt me.
These last few years my faith has been majorly tested (over and over again) and in the process it has grown stronger, but I still have a lot of insecurities.
One of many includes offending people. I am a HUGE people pleaser.
For instance, blogging has taken me further than I had hoped, from a hobby to a job, and I know there will be conversations to come where I will have to explain to confused looks that I’m not a stay-at-home wife (not that I believe there is anything in the slightest bit wrong with that), but a work-from-home woman. I can’t drop what I’m doing to go shopping, I have a calendar and schedule to follow, deadlines to meet, and contracts that I am obligated to complete. All of which I love and are very motivating to me!
I know without a shadow of a doubt that God wants us to move back to our hometown at this time. I don’t know the specifics of why or for how long, but He has made it clear to us in so many ways that this is where he wants us to be right now.
Since I know that this is God’s will I will not worry about tomorrow. But if (or when, because we live in an inevitably sinful world) tomorrow brings hardships and trials I will try my hardest not to question Him, but to trust Him to see me through.
ps. I might need some accountability on this!
And since I obviously can’t give myself (or you) any worldly guidance on this subject and my fears, I will leave us with some verses to ponder and pray over.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear,
but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
Let your conduct be without covetousness;
be content with such things as you have.
For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper;
I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear,
but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.”
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’
Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?
You who fear the Lord, trust in the Lord;
He is their help and their shield.
Be strong and of good courage,
do not fear nor be afraid of them;
for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you.
He will not leave you nor forsake you.”
Have any sage advice or favorite verses to share?
I’d love to hear from you!
Feel free to comment below, email me, or tweet me on Twitter!
With love, G
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